


No Magic on Set

by uofmdragon



Series: Tumblr Prompts - Combo AU 2015 [15]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Chefs, Alternate Universe - Magic, Competition, Cooking, Cutthroat Kitchen, M/M, Top Chef
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 10:19:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7432459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uofmdragon/pseuds/uofmdragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil's allergic to magic and when he starts sneezing on set of Top Chef, he questions whether or not magic is being used.  (It's against the rules).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lapillus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lapillus/gifts).



> Prompt - Magical library, top chef, c/c

Clint sighed softly as the director cut them off again. Reality TV where nothing was truly real. Oh, he supposed some things were real, since they were expected to come up with something. He was amazed at how well Ward was doing, he always seemed to have the perfect recipe up his sleeve. Clint should probably be more worried about the final round, except he’d been cut. It sucked, because Clint would have loved the chance to impress the final judge.

The guest judge was one Phil Coulson and he was better looking in person than in the pictures. Clint had known that, because every year he cooked for the homeless of New York and the shelter Clint had been staying at had been the lucky one a few years ago. It was Coulson that had inspired him and he’d slowly worked his way up in several different restaurants. He’d gone from dishwasher to prep to line cook to sous chef. 

Coulson was talking to the two finalists, Grant Ward and Luke Cage. Clint was just a tad starstruck, alright, he was completely star struck

Phil sniffed and sneezed. He apologized, before sneezing again and again. He stepped away from the other finalists, looking over at the show’s host, Tony. “This set is cleared of all magic, right?”

“Should be,” Tony said as Coulson sneezed.

“Well, there’s something magical here,” Coulson groused. “It’s setting my allergies off.”

“Alright, clear the kitchen area. Let’s move outside!” Tony announced. He grabbed Coulson by the arm and led him outside. 

Clint trailed along with the others. He paused when he noticed Ward hanging back. “You coming Grant?”

“Yeah, I just need to clean my glasses,” Grant stated.

Clint frowned, because he remembered Grant cleaning them. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was amiss.

“Where’s Mr. Ward, I wanted to continue our chat?” Coulson was asking as Clint stepped outside.

“Went to clean his glasses, again.” Clint stated.

“Again?” Natasha asked, one of the show’s producers. “Why did you say again?”

“Because he’s always cleaning them, before and after every take. They never seem dirty to me, but I guess it could be a habit?”

Natasha darted past him.

“You’re the one that just got cut, aren’t you?” Coulson asked.

“Yes, sir.” He still had those same warm blue eyes.

“A shame, the other judges have been impressed with you. I was looking forward to trying your food.”

Clint blushed. “Yeah, but Luke and Grant are even better cooks, so you won’t be disappointed.”

Phil hummed. “Or they cut you, because you refuse to talk much about your past.”

“Yeah,” Clint agreed as Natasha reappeared with something in her hand. Grant was hot on her heels, but couldn’t catch her as she shouldered past Clint and shoved her handful into Coulson’s face. The effect was immediate, Coulson began sneezing.

“Magic glasses!” Natasha declared. “One where he wipes the spell off and puts in on again at the beginning of the competition.”

Tony appeared and took them, taking them to away from Coulson. Tony gathered some of their crew over as a couple of bulky guards moved to stand beside Ward.

“Well, it looks as if I may be able to try your food after all,” Phil murmured, a soft smile appearing on his lips.

“I…” Clint started staring at them. “What makes you so sure?”

“Magic glasses in a cooking show, undoubtedly they’re being used to cheat. Either lets him know when something is done or…”

“A whole library of cooking books on these things!” Tony yelled. “He’s out!”

Clint blinked and couldn’t help, but smile. “Huh.”

“I look forward to tasting your meal,” Coulson stated, before stepping away.

-

Clint leaned against the outside of the building, sipping his beer. Inside the party for Luke was ongoing, but he’d come so close and lost it all. Stupid Grant for getting his hopes up, stupid him for not being quite good enough.

“Ah, there you are,’ Coulson’s voice said. “I have an offer for you, Mr. Barton.”

Clint turned to look at him. “An offer?”

“I was impressed with your meal. You’ve clearly had some training and I’m tempted to offer you a job.”

“Tempted?” Clint asked.

“If I hire you, I can’t ask you out,” Phil stated.

“You want to hire me?”

“No, I want to take you out, wine, and dine you. Get to know the man who Clint Barton is and see if there’s something between us. However, I’m hardly a catch, I work long hours and…”

“You’ve had a starring role in my fantasies for years, so please don’t try to tell me that you’re not attractive.”

Phil’s mouth dropped open a little bit, before shaking his head. “I have?”

“I was homeless about seven years ago. Real nice guy fed the shelter I was staying at, inspired me to become a cook.”

Phil made a face, before glancing away. “Now, I feel like I should offer you the job and wait until you open your own restraunant.”

Clint snorted. “Why can’t I have both? You and the job?”

“Because it would look…”

“You have a sous chef now, offer me the chance to impress her, if she says yes, I get the job and a date with you. If she says no, then I just get the date.”

Phil regarded him, before nodding. “Might have to be just more than my sous chef.”

“That’s fine,” Clint said. “Not like I’m not used to a challenge.”

Phil smiled. “Excellent proposal.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lapilus requested a sequel to this one.

“My name is Clint Barton, I came in second place on Top Chef. I love a challenge and I love cooking, so I figured I’d give Cutthroat Kitchen a try,” Clint said in his talking head interview. “And they chose me for their NYC special edition. I’m representing the small diners.”

“Anything else you want to say?” Blake asked.

“Do I need to?” Clint asked.

“Nah, what do you think about your competitors?”

“Wade has a great food truck, doesn’t look like much, but the food is great. I’ve only been to Sif’s bar once and someone else was cooking, and I haven’t been to _Crossbones_ at all.”

“Who would you say is your biggest competition?”

“I don’t know, I think it depends on the cuisine. We go high end and it’ll be Chef Rumlow. Pub style and it’ll be Sif. Though Wade could surprise us.” 

“So what’s your game plan?”

“My plan is to bid on stuff I don’t want, but I’m not above driving the price up for some sabotages.” Clint shrugged.

“Any plans for if you win?”

“Yeah, I’m thinking it’ll pay for a decent wedding.”

“You’re engaged?”

“Not yet,” Clint admitted. “But I’ve been thinking about it. Can’t afford, because I just opened my own place.”

“A lot of women…”

“And guys.”

Blake sighed. “A lot of men and women are going to be disappointed.”

“Hopefully, I’m not responsible for them, but I do hope they meet their own Phil Coulson.”

“That’s sappy,” Felix stated.

Clint shrugged. “Anything else?”

“No, that’s good for now,” Blake said. “You ready for this?”

Clint eyed the set of Cutthroat Kitchen and nodded. “Yeah, like I said, I’m looking forward to the challenge.”

“Good luck, Nick and the Koenigs have some great sabotages for you today.” Blake chuckled to himself. Clint glanced at him and shook his head as he made his way down the steps.

-

“So this is our New York special and when people think New York, they think hot dogs,” Nick announced, after doing his introductory spiel that explained the way Cutthroat Kitchen worked.

Clint nodded, considering what he wanted to do to make hot dogs. They had to film them running to the kitchen, three times. One time was just running to the doors, one time was real, and the last was running out. When they all resumed their places, Nick looked over at them Then Nick looked at them grinning.

“So let’s see what you’ll be bidding on,” Nick stated. He turned and opened the dumbwaiter and revealed bread and a food processor. Clint had a bad feeling about that bread. 

“Win this and a contestant of your choice will have to give up their bread and use this soggy bread,” Nick explained. 

Clint glanced to one side and meant Wade’s eyes and could see the fear in those eyes. Rumlow was only eyeing the sabotages and Sif was assessing her competition.

“But there’s more, you can also take a contestants hot dogs and put them into this lovely food processor.”

Clint shook his head at that. 

Nick paused at beat. “Do I hear a thousand?”

Clint didn’t necessarily want the soggy bread, but it wasn’t the worse thing to get and there was always something worse to get. He wasn’t so sure about the processor and through out a couple of bids. In the end it went to Rumlow. 

Rumlow took the soggy buns and walked down the line with a smirk, before handing it over it Sif. “Here you go, babe.”

“And the food processor?” Nick prompted.

Rumlow glanced at Wade and then back at Clint, before going over to Clint, and pulling the hot dogs out of his basket. “I think you could use some liquid meat.”

Clint winced as Rumlow started dropping the weiners into food processor, one by one with a dark laugh. Once they were annihilated. 

Nick eyed the destroyed hot dogs. “Why don’t you go ahead and take that over to Chef Barton.”

“There you go, buddy,” Rumlow stated when he set it down on Clint’s station.

“Thanks,” Clint said, turning back around.

“Alright, let’s see what our second sabotage will be,” Nick said, going over to the dumbwaiter. “Oh, a connivence store hot dog roller. Win this and force one of your contestants to use it as their only heat source.”

The bidding started with Sif attempting to win it, but he glanced over at his meat and knew he needed to ensure that he didn’t get it. In the end, he let Sif take the victory and she handed it to Rumlow. 

“Alright, you have thirty minutes, starting now,” Nick declared and there was a rush on making the food. Clint’s mind ran through several possibilities as he started cooking, coming up with things on the fly. He spent a few minutes figuring out how to explain it to the guest judge, who was Bobbi Morse.

Judging went by in a blur and unfortunately, Wade was the one that was sent home. He paused at Clint’s station and fist bumped him. “Good luck man.”

“Thanks Wade.”

“If I can’t win, I’m rooting for you,” Wade called as he headed out.

Clint laughed as they took a break to film the talking heads and to reset the kitchen.

-

“Alright, round two, I think we need another New York staple - pizza,” Nick stated.

Clint grinned, pizza was staple with him and Phil. He mentally planned everything that he wanted to grab, including a couple of duplicates, in case something was taken away. 

Clint did a couple of lunges while waiting for the film crew to be ready to film the run to deal with his nerves. He could do this, he could make pizza out of anything. Once more it took three shots until they were set at their stations with their baskets.

Nick studied them all for a moment. “Let’s see what our first sabotage is for this round.”

“First up, we have pie crusts and biscuits in can. Win this and switch out both of your opponent’s pizza dough for one of these items.”

Clint threw out a couple of bids, but really, he had no problem with either of those options. It wouldn’t be the best pizza, but he was pretty sure he could make it work with either one and he thought he’d be getting the biscuits rather than the pie crust.

In the end, Rumlow managed to win it and give the pie crust to Sif and Clint got the biscuits.

“Let’s see our next sabotage,” Nick said and revealed a small bottle. Nick took it and looked at the label before laughing. “The people of New York come in all shape and sizes, win this and one of your opponent’s kitchen will change sizes every five minutes. They won’t.”

Clint shook his head at that and eyed the other two. He thought it would be Rumlow or Sif that would get it in the end, but he wasn’t sure he could handle the pressure and the changing sizes. He managed to win it and gave it to Rumlow, whose kitchen immediately shrunk down to about half its normal size.

“And we’re all ready, so go,” Nick yelled.

Clint got to work. The dough wasn’t perfect, but he could certainly make it work. Phil did still love his deep dish pizza, but Clint didn’t think he actually needed it for this. He flattened it out and put it in the oven to start baking while he got on the sauce. 

He didn’t need to keep track of the clock as he saw Rumlow’s kitchen changing in size. The first time resulted in his cursing at it suddenly grew to twice their normal dimensions. It wasn’t something that would be easy to handle and Clint was glad that he didn’t have it, especially when everything was done Sif was the one eliminated. 

As they headed to do their talking heads. “Guess its you and me.”

“Guess so,” Clint agreed.

“Would have preferred it to be Wilson and me, but I’m pretty sure you’re going home empty handed.”

“We’ll see,” Clint said, shrugging. They both had a fair amount, but it also depended on what they would have to make. Clint was guessing it would be cheesecake, because they’d had the New York theme and he wasn’t great at cheesecake. 

-

“Last round, are you two nervous?” Nick asked.

“Little,” Clint admitted.

“No,” Rumlow stated, looking over at him.

“Our last round of New York episode and I’m thinking we need a little dessert. So how about some Big Apple Tart.”

Clint couldn’t help, but breathe a sigh of relief.

“I think we need to let Chef Barton do a talking head.”

Clint laughed. “I thought for sure it was going to be New York style Cheesecake and I suck at Cheesecake.”

“Well, I thought that was a bit too predictable,” Nick stated. “Are you two ready?”

Clint nodded along with Rumlow and they filmed the shopping sequence.

“Alright, we typically let you get started, but before we do, I have a sabotage for bid. Win this sabotage and your opponent has to give up their basket and get new supplies from my lovely Apple Dart game.”

Clint managed to keep his poker face as he bid on it, driving up the price, before letting Rumlow win it. 

“Chef Rumlow, you may begin, Chef Barton, go ahead and…” Nick trailed off as Clint hit a balloon on the first try.

“Nice job, Chef Barton,” Nick said.

Clint flashed a grin, before throwing another dart. It didn’t take him very long to pop the majority of them and get the supplies he needed.

“I think that ended up being the worst sabotage on Cutthroat Kitchen,” Nick stated to the camera. “How…?”

“So, before I was a chef, I was a bit of a sharpshooter,” Clint admitted as he got to work making his tart. “I bid to raise the price, because you like to throw something out in the middle and now I’m not going to get another sabotage.” He flashed a quick grin.

“You do have more money than Chef Rumlow,” Nick agreed, before going over and talking to Rumlow. 

Clint focused on making his tart and having it ready when time ran down. 

 

Bobbi came out and tried both of their desserts. “Alright, you both have really good desserts, but I have to say Chef Barton’s is better.”

Clint beamed as Rumlow went over to Fury and started complaining about it being rigged. 

“I didn’t know he could do that!” Fury stated.

-

“How was your trip?” Phil asked as Clint came into their apartment and set his bag down by the door.

“Good,” Clint said, going over to drape himself over Phil.

Phil sniffed delicately.

“Showered twice, before I left,” Clint murmured, leaning up to kiss him.

Phil kissed him back. “Did you win?”

“I don’t know if I’m allowed to tell you that,” Clint said, leaning forward.

“You’re going to make me wait?” Phil said, objecting. “I think I may withhold sex.”

“You won’t, because I bought you something.”

“You did?” Phil smiled at him. “Where is it?”

“You know, I think you’re going to have search me.”

Phil arched an eyebrow. “Is it a sex toy?”

“No, it’s not a sex toy, but I totally am going to remember that idea for later.”

Phil smacked him on the butt lightly. “Up.”

Clint got to his feet as Phil studied him for a moment, settling on his groin. “Well, I know what that is and you already said, no sex toy.”

Phil stood and slid his hands under Clint’s shirt and rubbed at Clint’s nipples. “No new piercings.”

Clint waggled his eyebrows at him. “Yeah, cause that’s why you checked there first.”

Phil chuckled, sliding his hands around to slip into Clint’s back pockets and grab his ass. “Just your delectable ass.”

“You do love my ass.”

“Almost as much as I love you.” Phil cooed at him, sliding his hands around to Clint’s front pockets and tucking into them. Phil frowned as he pulled out the ring that Clint had stopped and bought on his way home. “Jewel…”

Clint dropped to his knee. “Will you marry me?”

“You didn’t need to get me this, you have a business to run.”

“I know, but I get to spend my winnings on what I want.”

“You won?”

“Don’t tell anyone, at least not yet.”

“I won’t, I know they don’t like spoilers coming out. We’ll have to have a viewing party.”

“Yeah…”

“Do you know when it will air?”

Clint’s smile faltered. “Phil, C’mon, on my knee.”

Phil paused and looked on at him. “I suppose, we can make our announcement at the viewing.”

“Kind of mentioned it in a couple of talking heads that I wanted to spend it on our wedding.”

Phil hummed. “Yes, best to wait until then.”

“So, you’ll marry me?”

“As if I would ever say no to you.”

Clint smiled, rising up and leaning in to kiss Phil, before guiding him back to the bedroom. After all, he’d been gone a couple of days and he missed Phil as well celebrate their engagement.


End file.
